Hulk vs Juggernaut

This is as good a way as any to come back to the fold. The other day I received an IM from my former coworker, Nick Carswell, where he asked what he thought was a very straightforward question. Perhaps out of some sense of boredom or maybe because I just need to prove every once in a while that I haven't wasted my life reading comics, this is how the conversation went:

Nick: who would win in a fight
juggurnaut of the hulk
Jamison: tough call, which hulk?
savage or bruce banner-smart hulk
Nick: i dont know.
what?
how many hulks are there?
and what does savage mean?
Jamison: and by savage do you mean "hulk smash" hulk or "hulk makes sentences with no articles while talking in third person" hulk?
Nick: ah
gotcha
uhmmm
Jamison: and this is classic juggernaut who still has the gem of cytorrak, right?
Nick: arent they the same in terns of fighting ability
and yes the gem is still ther
e
there is a new juggurnaut?
Jamison: it's a tough call, at the end of the day, the juggernaut is magically empowered to be "unstoppable" so if you deprive him of momentum, theoretically, he'd be a lot weaker whereas the hulk gets stronger as he gets madder, so there's theoretically no limit to the hulk's strength
Nick: thats what i thought
hulk cant die can he?
Jamison: if they were fighting just to fight in optimal conditions, i'd say the hulk has the ultimate advantage
he's like wolverine, he can be damaged, but he heals fast
Nick: but the hulk ego wont let the body die correct?
Jamison: that is true
the hulk's highest instinct is self-preservation
Nick: yeah
and jugg is not un killable correct?
Sent at 11:59 AM on Monday
Jamison: jugg is empowered by magic, so hypotethically, i don't think he can be killed either
Nick: cant you take away his powers?
Jamison: if you rip the jewel out of his chest
Nick: so in theory hulk could get pissed enough to do so? and what is WWH refer to?
Jamison: he probably could, but that would be one pissed hulk and it would be a long hard fight
World War Hulk = WWH
Nick: ah
that is what they are talking about
Nick: what is the abomonation?
Jamison: abomination is a russian doctor who basically underwent the same process to be like the hulk but he keeps his human persona as abomination and i don't think he can go back to human
Nick: ah
and hulk can kick his ass correct?
Jamison: yeah, most the time, but they're similarly powered, so it's like ken fighting ryu
Nick: gotcha

The Moral: When comic guys talk to video game guys, you have to start employing the language of your counterpart to get the idea across.

Oscar Night

Well folks, here we are again, watching one of the most meaningless and mesmerizing award ceremonies in American popular culture. The Oscars are only hours away and I’ve put this off long enough. Now, since the good people at Entertainment Weekly decided to only list all of the nominations for the most major categories, I will be making no predictions regarding awards such as best art direction, costume design, or sound mixing, which is a shame, since those are the only awards where deserving candidates actually win. However I am not the man to make those predictions, mainly because I’m too lazy to spend an hour searching the internet for all of the nominees. Here are my predictions for the eight major categories:

Best Acress: Reese Witherspoon
Look, I hate to say it, but who else in this category stands a chance? Charlize Theron already won for Monster, and North Country wasn’t quite what I would call an Oscar-worthy performance…in other words, she didn’t make herself ugly for that flick. Keira Knightly will do great things in her film career, but winning best acress at age twenty ain’t happening. Felicity Huffman stands a strong chance, but Witherspoon’s an industry favorite, even if she’s a vile bitch with god-awful taste.

Best Actor: Phillip Seymour Hoffman
His performance in Capote was hands-down the best we saw this year. David Strathairn gave a solid show in Good Night and Good Luck and the Walk the Line people are highly optimistic, but Hoffman is OWED this award by the academy. He’s too old and too fat for Hollywood to give him many more chances to shine as brightly as did this year. Ledger was great in Brokeback, but mumbling your lines so no one can tell you’re Australian does not an actor make.

Best Supporting Acress: Catherine Keener
I like Rachel Weisz for this award, but EW picked her, and I want to go against them on this one. McDormand was great as well, but she already got Best Actress for Fargo, and it’s an insult to take a step back by winning Supporting Actress after Best Actress. If Michelle Williams were black, I might expect her to win by getting fucked in the ass on camera, I’m picking Keener in support of my choice for Hoffman as Best Actor. They had great onscreen chemistry, so her performance was as vital as hers.

Best Supporting Actor: Paul Giamatti
Gyllenhaal’s still young and the Academy will take notice of what he does in the future, not to mention that his performance was less of a leap than Ledger’s. Clooney was great in Syriana, but Giamatti, like Hoffman, has been overlooked at every opportunity by this fucking Academy, especially after he gave two Oscar-worthy Best Actor performances in the past two years. Unfortunately he’s short and ugly and Hollywood doesn’t want us to believe that little ugly people can be the best at anything.

Damn, all these predictions are making me a little catty. I’ll try to tuck it back.

Best Director: Ang Lee
Is there any debate over this? We know the gay cowboys are a favorite, and it was a stellar, deserving flick. It’s unfortunate that there can only be one winner this year, because every nominee this year deserves an award, including Spielburg (sorry, I liked Munich). I hope Clooney chooses to direct again, however, because Good Night and Good Luck was one of the most underappreciated movies of the year.

Best Picture: Brokeback Mountain
See Above.

Best Adapted Screenplay: Brokeback Mountain
I had a feeling about this one about two frames after the fade out in Brokeback Mountain when I found Larry McMurtry’s name on the screenplay credits. I would have hoped A History of Violence just because of my soft spot for graphic novel adaptations, but maybe they’ll adapt The Watchmen in a few years and do it right.

Best Original Screenplay: Good Night and Good Luck
Like I said, it was underappreciated. This and Syriana were two of the most topical films to come out in the past few years (and making topical films is an achievement for obvious reasons). I picked Good Night because the movie is practically a modern day fairy tale combined with an indictment of modern-day journalism. This way Clooney still gets the feather in his cap and Ang Lee can still get some credibility following the debacle that was Hulk.

Those are my picks. Now, we wait.

Shield (Season Five) Chronicles pt. 2

Our author returns for the second installment of his Shield (Season five) Chronicles.

Well dear readers, must I apologize for my neglegence in writing a Shield review days after the actual episode aired? No? Good.
What can I say? It certainly seems that Kavanaugh wants Vic by the short and curlies, but Vic ain’t goin’ down without a fight…and that’s why we like him. On one hand it says a great deal about the evolution of modern television, that Shawn Ryan expects us to remember all the details of the first season four years later. For the life of me, though, I had forgotten that Vic and Shane got away with being the only ones to know that Vic took out Crowley. So when Kavanaugh was blasting Lem about knowing the truth about Crowley, I thought to myself, “Damn, how can Lem look so genuinely shocked.” What the hell, though. He’s an actor.
I was impressed nevertheless that Vic held his ground when Lem asked him the truth about Crowley. Vic teaches us that it takes great personal delusion to be a modern anti-hero. I’ll be interested to see what angle Kavanaugh takes next.
I’m convinced at this point that Claudette has something seriously life-threatening. I wanted to believe otherwise, but it’s possible that Shawn intends to take down the entire barn when the show ends. As for the case she and Dutch investigated, all I can say is, when I find myself hitting bottom as an alcoholic, aversion therapy will be my first attempt at recovery.
There wasn’t a whole lot to say about this episode otherwise. After watching the first four seasons, you learn that some episodes are just filler in-between the season-arcs. To put it in X-files terms, there’s monster of the week episodes and mythology, only for the Shield, it’s homicide of the week versus conspiracy episodes. At least, that’s my take on it. Join us next week when Kavanaugh gets some real evidence and Vic beats up a hooker.

Shield (Season Five) Chronicles pt. 1

After his long hiatus, Mr. Ousley returns with part one of The Shield (season 5) Chronicles:
Danny’s Knocked-Up, Claudette Has Cancer, and Lem's Goin’ To Jail (With Vic not far behind)

Having gone back and re-watched season 4 of The Shield since its DVD release on Dec. 26, I can honestly say that the season (which did not impress me initially) was a fine epilogue to season three (the show’s peak, in my opinion). The lag of season four can easily be traced to the absence of the strike team until the season’s final arc, which is why it was so refreshing to see Vic and his boys breaking up an interracial brawl at a funeral in last night’s season premiere. I feel bad for Ronnie, though, who at this point has been burned, beaten, and suffered the indignity of admitting he used to hand-wash his mother’s Oriental rugs, yet we’ve never seen him with a woman or had a single glimpse of his personal life. It’s one thing to use the guy as a plot device for the first season, but the most loyal member of the strike team should at least have a girlfriend!
Billings is an interesting choice to serve as the interim Captain, but I wonder how a police detective who hid like a sissy and watched a gangland assassination and then phoned it in to 9-1-1 got promoted. This is what happens when police recruitment goes down the crapper. Speaking of police recruitment, what’s with Tina, the officer Julian is training? First of all, I’ve NEVER seen a female cop anywhere near that attractive. Sophen’s cute, but if she wanted to kick my ass, I know she could. Second of all, in the course of her first episode, she hit on Julian, Vic, Shane, Lem, and Dutch! I only hope Dutch gets to nail this broad. Assuming he didn’t nail Mackey’s wife last season (it’s not really clear), Dutch’s personal life hasn’t been visited since early in the second season when that widow broke up with him. I always said he should’ve banged the cuddle-rapist’s wife, but she turned out to be fruit loops anyway.
We can’t talk about Dutch without talking about Claudette, though, and we have no clue what’s wrong with her. Based on the way she clutched her stomach, and the miniature pharmacy developing by her sink, I’d say Wyms either has cancer or an ulcer. Time will tell. Speaking of time, it looks like Danny’s about two months shy of bursting. It’s obviously Vic’s, since they randomly hooked up last season, and the consequences were never addressed (though I still say if he hadn’t just gotten his rocks off, Vic would’ve nailed Captain Rawling in the finale last season). All that said, the only other potential father I can think of is the black CI who fences stolen goods and tried to take Danny to a concert with some jacked tickets last season, but Nip/Tuck already did the black baby shocker ending, so I give it 20 to 1 odds.
That leaves us with our new IAD guy, Jon Kavanaugh. Forrest Whitaker has given us quite a bit to question with the way he plays this character, like why he feels the need to force-feed people gum or whether he really has an autistic child or if he was just faking it to get close to Mackey’s wife. Whitaker has definitely made an interesting choice playing the IAD Lieutenant like a closet-nutcase. In either case, Kavanaugh knows what he’s doing, or he wouldn’t have been able to interrogate Lem so efficiently. Kavanaugh definitely knows what’s what, but he’ll have to keep up with it to stay on top of Mackey.
This promises to be an interesting season. I look forward to seeing if Mackey can actually worm his way out of it or if this is where it all ends. I’d hate to see the Shield end now. They could do at least two more seasons and still go out on top. And remember, folks, Vic beats up a hooker in every odd season, so I’m keeping my hopes up for this one.
‘Til next time…

Back in the Saddle

Well folks, I've failed in my blog responsibilities...all that college graduating and stuff. Anyway, as a preview of my future work, I'm posting a conversation from this evening:

Hosihiney: what's your view on the school closings for monday and tuesday?
delgrungo: if we weren't 49th in the country for education, i'd let it slide
delgrungo: i mean, jesus, of mississippi, alabama, louisiana, texas, and arkansas, four of them are beating us
Hosihiney: lol
delgrungo: we're like the ben folds five in the state education game: we can't break the top 40 unless we're talking about abortions

The Grinch Who Saved X-Mas

Well, my first attempt to post an entry was totally fucked when I clicked the spellcheck link, so I'm typing a simpler version of the post I just wrote. Wednesday night my dad and stepmother came home from a church Christmas party with a card and candy cane from my ex-girlfriend's fundamentalist mother. This is what the card said:

"There was a time, during the latter part of the 18th century in England, when all religious symbols were banned from public display. No longer could Christian brothers and sisters recognize one another in public by the crosses they wore on their clothing and jewelry.
"During this time, it is told, there was a dedicated Christian candy maker who set out to find some way for members of the Christian family to identify each other, in spite of the ban. He began with a piece of pure white candy to signify the purity and holiness of Jesus Christ. Next, he fashioned the candy into the shape of a shepherd's staff as a reminder that our Heavenly Father is the Good Shepherd. Then, he placed three small red stripes 'round the candy to represent the encompassing power and presence of the Trinity - the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Finally, he placed a single, bold red stripe through the candy to demonstrate the redeeming power of the blood that Christ shed upon the Cross for each of us, and the forgiveness of our sins.
"We hope and pray that each time you see a candy cane during the holdiay season, you will be reminded of the love God has for you and the price Christ has paid for your salvation. And, we hope that you will use this story of the candy cane to tell others what Christ has done in your life. Doesn't it seem strange that something we often see as unimportant and insignificant can be turned into something so vibrant, so important, simply by knowing the story of its origin? And yet, the real MIRACLE is that God can take each of us, no matter how unimportant or insignificant we may feel, and through His work, turn us into something of incredible worth, value, and significance!! Merry Christmas"

Merry Christmas indeed! But my bullshit sense was tingling. I sent Donna Rodgers the following email describing my quest for the truth of the Candy Cane:

Well, not to look a gift horse in the mouth, or however that saying goes, I felt a slight twinge in the base of my skull when I first read this adorable Christmas candy cane card. Surely, it does represent an inspiring tale, and it no doubt will leave a memory cue for anyone who happens to read it, but there was still that twinge in the base of my skull. As an amateur journalist, I take it upon myself from time to time to investigate the veracity of the things which cross my eyes, especially when certain words or phrases seem out of place. In this situation, it was the phrase: "the latter part of the 18th century in England, when all religious symbols were banned from public display." Could that be true? In an empire which spanned the globe, and named one of its sole purposes (albeit not entirely truthfully) to spread the gospel of Christ, would they outlaw religious symbolism? This is a place where they burned people at the stake LEGALLY for being "witches." Well, I needed references, books, articles, pictures, something to back up this claim...so I simply went to google.com and typed in the words "candy cane origin." Then I clicked on the first link I saw:

http://www.christianitytoday.com/history/newsletter/christmas/cane.html

Success! Here it is! An article from Christianity Today, siting both that England never banned the public display of religious symbols, certainly not christian ones (although the celebration of Christmas was banned for 11 years during the 17th century) and that the invention of the candy cane actually dates back to 1670, where the existing plain white candy was given to youngsters during exceptionally long services to keep them quiet. Christianity Today mislinks the snopes article, in true Dick Cheney fashion, but I took the liberty of hunting it down myself:

http://www.snopes.com/holidays/christmas/candycane.asp

It gives an even more thorough examination of the origins of the candy cane, siting that the plain white candy was in fact curved into the shape of a staff, possibly for religious purpose, but essentially only to mask the candy's real purpose: keeping children quiet. She also illustrates that the red stripes were not added until well into the twentieth century.
Just for a lark, I also read the article that debunks the "Twelve Days of Christmas" as symbolism for persecuted Christians. It's fascinating reading, especially the last paragraph where the author begs the simple question, why the need to attribute religious meaning to secular objects when you already have so much to look to? I honestly can't drive down the road anywhere, especially in the south, without seeing a cross or a fish on someone's bumper or mailbox or billboard. Instead of "Every time you see a candy cane, think of Jesus," How about, "Every time you see a nativity scene, think of Jesus?"

http://www.snopes.com/holidays/christmas/12days.asp

These are the things I think about when I'm home alone on a Christmas Eve Eve.

In any case, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy Festivus. I personally will be airing my grievances around eight o'clock this evening. If you want my location, you can call me.
Cheers,
Jamison E. Ousley

PS - Join me next week when I examine the recently released lost gospel, which claims that Jesus rose on Easter Sunday in the form of a white rabbit, who visited the homes of all the children in Israel, leaving a basket with colorful plastic grass and chocolate bunnies and painted eggs before appearing in human form to the disciples and Mary later that day.

* * *

A few days later I received an apology. It made my X-mas that much sweeter, to know that I got to spread a little gospel (the Greek word for "truth") to the Christians.