The Grinch Who Saved X-Mas

Well, my first attempt to post an entry was totally fucked when I clicked the spellcheck link, so I'm typing a simpler version of the post I just wrote. Wednesday night my dad and stepmother came home from a church Christmas party with a card and candy cane from my ex-girlfriend's fundamentalist mother. This is what the card said:

"There was a time, during the latter part of the 18th century in England, when all religious symbols were banned from public display. No longer could Christian brothers and sisters recognize one another in public by the crosses they wore on their clothing and jewelry.
"During this time, it is told, there was a dedicated Christian candy maker who set out to find some way for members of the Christian family to identify each other, in spite of the ban. He began with a piece of pure white candy to signify the purity and holiness of Jesus Christ. Next, he fashioned the candy into the shape of a shepherd's staff as a reminder that our Heavenly Father is the Good Shepherd. Then, he placed three small red stripes 'round the candy to represent the encompassing power and presence of the Trinity - the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Finally, he placed a single, bold red stripe through the candy to demonstrate the redeeming power of the blood that Christ shed upon the Cross for each of us, and the forgiveness of our sins.
"We hope and pray that each time you see a candy cane during the holdiay season, you will be reminded of the love God has for you and the price Christ has paid for your salvation. And, we hope that you will use this story of the candy cane to tell others what Christ has done in your life. Doesn't it seem strange that something we often see as unimportant and insignificant can be turned into something so vibrant, so important, simply by knowing the story of its origin? And yet, the real MIRACLE is that God can take each of us, no matter how unimportant or insignificant we may feel, and through His work, turn us into something of incredible worth, value, and significance!! Merry Christmas"

Merry Christmas indeed! But my bullshit sense was tingling. I sent Donna Rodgers the following email describing my quest for the truth of the Candy Cane:

Well, not to look a gift horse in the mouth, or however that saying goes, I felt a slight twinge in the base of my skull when I first read this adorable Christmas candy cane card. Surely, it does represent an inspiring tale, and it no doubt will leave a memory cue for anyone who happens to read it, but there was still that twinge in the base of my skull. As an amateur journalist, I take it upon myself from time to time to investigate the veracity of the things which cross my eyes, especially when certain words or phrases seem out of place. In this situation, it was the phrase: "the latter part of the 18th century in England, when all religious symbols were banned from public display." Could that be true? In an empire which spanned the globe, and named one of its sole purposes (albeit not entirely truthfully) to spread the gospel of Christ, would they outlaw religious symbolism? This is a place where they burned people at the stake LEGALLY for being "witches." Well, I needed references, books, articles, pictures, something to back up this claim...so I simply went to google.com and typed in the words "candy cane origin." Then I clicked on the first link I saw:

http://www.christianitytoday.com/history/newsletter/christmas/cane.html

Success! Here it is! An article from Christianity Today, siting both that England never banned the public display of religious symbols, certainly not christian ones (although the celebration of Christmas was banned for 11 years during the 17th century) and that the invention of the candy cane actually dates back to 1670, where the existing plain white candy was given to youngsters during exceptionally long services to keep them quiet. Christianity Today mislinks the snopes article, in true Dick Cheney fashion, but I took the liberty of hunting it down myself:

http://www.snopes.com/holidays/christmas/candycane.asp

It gives an even more thorough examination of the origins of the candy cane, siting that the plain white candy was in fact curved into the shape of a staff, possibly for religious purpose, but essentially only to mask the candy's real purpose: keeping children quiet. She also illustrates that the red stripes were not added until well into the twentieth century.
Just for a lark, I also read the article that debunks the "Twelve Days of Christmas" as symbolism for persecuted Christians. It's fascinating reading, especially the last paragraph where the author begs the simple question, why the need to attribute religious meaning to secular objects when you already have so much to look to? I honestly can't drive down the road anywhere, especially in the south, without seeing a cross or a fish on someone's bumper or mailbox or billboard. Instead of "Every time you see a candy cane, think of Jesus," How about, "Every time you see a nativity scene, think of Jesus?"

http://www.snopes.com/holidays/christmas/12days.asp

These are the things I think about when I'm home alone on a Christmas Eve Eve.

In any case, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy Festivus. I personally will be airing my grievances around eight o'clock this evening. If you want my location, you can call me.
Cheers,
Jamison E. Ousley

PS - Join me next week when I examine the recently released lost gospel, which claims that Jesus rose on Easter Sunday in the form of a white rabbit, who visited the homes of all the children in Israel, leaving a basket with colorful plastic grass and chocolate bunnies and painted eggs before appearing in human form to the disciples and Mary later that day.

* * *

A few days later I received an apology. It made my X-mas that much sweeter, to know that I got to spread a little gospel (the Greek word for "truth") to the Christians.